Graphic by Rachael Previti

Graphic by Rachael Previti

 

Women Should Support Other Women, and by Other Women I Mean Me

By White Liberal Female

 

Angela Davis. Gloria Steinem. bell hooks. All of these women selflessly gave to the cause of women’s liberation so that their daughters could rise.

Yes, these foremothers were selfless, but who wants to exist within the narrow ideological confine of a martyr matriarch? Who says women can’t be selfISH?

My name is Liberal White Female. I am an ambitious, driven, career-ready young woman and lemme tell you, I am READY to profit off of the increasing commodification of feminist ideals.

Like Maya Angelou, my uprising is inevitable, regardless of anything you may do. You could shoot me with your words, cut me with your eyes, or kill me with your hatefulness...but why not buy my book instead?

Inspired by the business cult classic Lean In, I have recently published the next landmark piece of feminist literature, Elevate Me.

It is a truth universally acknowledged by countless fridge magnets, t-shirts, and tote bags that read “empowered women empower women.” And thus, for your own sake, I implore you: empower me. Due to the absolutely real and not at all made up system of trickle-down economics, the power you give me will in turn empower you.

In the words of Sheryl Sandberg: “Buy my book bitches, the profits of which I am going to donate and not keep, because that is precisely how big my dick is.”